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Three wise women are coming to Oamaru to teach us how to survive modern life.

These fearsome females are otherwise known as “Grumpy Old Women”, the Kiwi Sheila version of the men who filled the big screen. Having “conquered New Zealand” as their publicity material states, they “took Australia and the Universe by storm with 50 Shades of Beige“.

Now, they have armed themselves with magical tricks such as using barbecue tools to prevent snoring – an art they describe with offhand oxymoron as “safe torture”.

They can also demonstrate how to clean the bath while engaged in interpersonal intimacy (yes, I know, but this is a family newspaper).

There’s advice on what to do when the man in your life kisses your miniature Schnauzer more than he kisses you, and, perhaps most essential of all, how to overeat on a diet.

“In Game of Crones, the young are discussed and then dismissed,” the publicity says.

“Men are lovingly disembowelled. Old-fashioned housekeeping practices resurrected; is it too late to learn to sniff meat to determine if it’s past its use-by date?

Grumpy Old Women will stop for nothing on their mission to slay the dragons of nonsense and reclaim the kingdom of common sense . . . well, maybe a glass of wine and a lie down.

“The show has plenty of laughs, poorly-supported breasts and unreliable statistics, so for a night of unbridled fun bring your swords and handbags and learn from the sorceresses themselves how to survive the modern kingdom of Aotearoa.”

The show is directed by Geraldine Brophy, who stars alongside Julie Edwards and Lynda Milligan.

It is at the Oamaru Opera House at 8pm on Sunday, March 12. Tickets are available at the box office or online at TicketDirect.